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I loved, I cared, I gave you all that I could,
My misfortune; I couldn't be all that you wanted.
I hoped, I wished, and I thought you understood,
My misfortune; my heart felt taunted.
I wondered, I asked, and I prayed for your own good.
My misfortune; I felt so unwanted,
I pleaded, I begged, all to share thoughts I could,
My misfortune; I neglected the hurt you had planted.
I was stupid, I was blind, I was unable to read your mind,
My misfortune; I still messaged you.
I learnt my lesson, I felt the world, I now think I know it,
Dont worry, you shall never feel so lacerated.
I promise, I swear, I shall never speak to you again,
For I deserved it all to have fallen for you.
I was silly, I was weird, and I was dumb to think --
How could I been the one you cherished?
But may you answer if you could -- how could someone be so indecisively cruel?
A cold-heart with its own blood, uncaring with bleeding hearts
I question if you care truly for my well being,
Or if it is just an illusion to fill temporary satisfaction.
...All because a heart isn't broken in two equal parts.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, even though this is a cliché topic, I feel that you have written it in an original enough way for my liking (I love originality). It is difficult to write on overused topics in an original way, yet still portray the emotions that you want to portray, and you have done this well.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

L2 - I would place a semi-colon after 'my misfortune' (and do the same for L4, 6, 8 & 10)
L4 - 'feels' should be 'felt'
L6 - 'feel' should be 'felt'
L7 - I would personally change 'should' to 'could'
L10 - I would add 'you' after 'messaged'
L11 - 'feel' should be 'felt'
L14 - 'deserve' should either be 'deserved' or 'to fall' should be 'to have fallen'
L17 - the repetition of 'could' is jarring within this line.
L17 - you need a question mark after 'cruel'
L18 - 'cold-heart' should be 'cold heart'
L18 - 'blue blood' normally means that someone is nobility (example, Prince William has blue-blood running through his veins)
L18 - I would change 'whose bleeding hearts' with a bleeding heart'

Your punctuation of this is good, which I like.

You do have some rhyme, but it is not distracting, especially since you break from it at the end, you ran the risk of alienating the rhyming section and making it jerk against the non-rhyming, but you have a rhythm that works with and without the rhyme.

Overall:
Just watch your tenses and plurals.

:star::star::star::star::star-empty:
Jo
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student Artist
Thank you so much for your lovely compliments and critiquing - and on another note, haha, I have always tried to be original regardless of over used topics :p lol
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012   Writer
Originality is a great thing :)
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Student Artist
Just like you ;) ^-^
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012   Writer
:blush:
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Student Artist
Haha!
Reply
:iconsuchithrark:
SuchithraRk Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Student Writer
very well written
Cheers!
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Student Artist
Thank You ..
Reply
:iconmikadiva:
MikaDiva Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Student General Artist
Excellent! :D
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Student Artist
Thanks...
Reply
:iconjunjouluvxd:
JunJouLuvXD Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2012
Oh! You're amazing! This is very good!
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2012  Student Artist
Thank You (:
Reply
:iconjunjouluvxd:
JunJouLuvXD Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2012
No problem! You deserve praise! ;)
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2012  Student Artist
Haha awwh <3
Reply
:iconhelixhartgrove:
HelixHartgrove Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
Looks like someone's feels out of place. Your writing's excellent, by the way.
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Student Artist
Yeah, that someone sure does feel out of the place eh. Thank You for your compliment.
Reply
:iconhelixhartgrove:
HelixHartgrove Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
Sure, sure!
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Student Artist
^_^
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:iconhelixhartgrove:
HelixHartgrove Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012
:-)
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:iconmoonlight1197:
moonlight1197 Featured By Owner May 24, 2012  Student General Artist
It's sooo deep. I like it.
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 24, 2012  Student Artist
ThankYou.
Reply
:iconmoonlight1197:
moonlight1197 Featured By Owner May 26, 2012  Student General Artist
You're welcome
Reply
:iconlady-compassion:
Lady-Compassion Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It speaks to me......thanks for sharing
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Student Artist
Your welcome.
Reply
:iconprincessaquarius:
princessaquarius Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Professional Writer
This is really good. ^_^
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Student Artist
Thank You!
Reply
:iconprincessaquarius:
princessaquarius Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Professional Writer
You're welcome. ^_^
Reply
:iconthunderchild-actual:
Thunderchild-Actual Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
excellent prose, very well done.
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Student Artist
Thank You - means a ton to me!
Reply
:iconprincesssudi:
princesssudi Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Professional Writer
Very heart wrenching and powerful piece. Nicely done.
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Student Artist
Thank You kindly. Much appreciated! <3
Reply
:iconzeldagirl236:
zeldagirl236 Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wooow....thats deeep.....awesome!! your reallly good! was that poetry?
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Student Artist
Yes, I think so. If not, lyrics would be the next thing to fit it better. I'm delighted that you enjoyed it.
Reply
:iconzeldagirl236:
zeldagirl236 Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
its really good...it touched me...you should be a writer...depends on wat you like...
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Student Artist
Aw thanks! Thats the biggest compliment I have gotten over my writing skills! <3 ThankYou!
Reply
:iconzeldagirl236:
zeldagirl236 Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
ur welcome nd really? i find it hard to believe you have no BIG compliments...
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 24, 2012  Student Artist
Haha. Thanks.
Reply
:iconzeldagirl236:
zeldagirl236 Featured By Owner May 24, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
ur welcum..
Reply
:icondaisylover87:
DaisyLover87 Featured By Owner May 20, 2012
This is powerful. Very emotional, very honest, very vulnerable. Great job with this. You have some more very relatable things in here, too. Definitely sucks to be torn in two like this, and I heartily agree with your caption. A broken heart IS never torn into two equally parts, and that's the nature of it...

Very good job with this.
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Student Artist
Thank You so much for your sweet, and kind words. It means a lot to me. And yes, its only because a heart is never broken in two equal parts - thank you.
Reply
:icondaisylover87:
DaisyLover87 Featured By Owner May 23, 2012
You're very welcome. Sorry to hear that you're having to experience such feelings, though. Totally been there. Heartbreak, I mean. Just gotta take it day by day, and then it gets better...
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Student Artist
ThankYou
Reply
:icondaisylover87:
DaisyLover87 Featured By Owner May 23, 2012
You bet. *hugs*
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 24, 2012  Student Artist
Thanks :)
Reply
:iconcoldblackraven:
ColdBlackRaven Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wow.. like just wow. The caption is great too. The way you have expressed yourself, these words don't need to rhyme because they have so much emotion in them. Without rhyming the poem flows smoothly, like it doesn't have awkward ends. Amazing use of words and amazing expression of feelings. Love it <3
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Artist
I am honoured in such a way that I have no words to express my feelings. Thank You oh so kindly.
Reply
:iconcoldblackraven:
ColdBlackRaven Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
awww :tears: dont say that!!! :glomp: u deserve it :heart:
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Student Artist
Awh. That made me smilee :)
Reply
:iconcoldblackraven:
ColdBlackRaven Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
always a treat to make someone smile :hug:
Reply
:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Student Artist
You're like me. <3
Reply
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