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Good Words. by EveDaniels

texte by BloodyDragon22


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Submitted on
May 20, 2012
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I loved, I cared, I gave you all that I could,
My misfortune; I couldn't be all that you wanted.
I hoped, I wished, and I thought you understood,
My misfortune; my heart felt taunted.
I wondered, I asked, and I prayed for your own good.
My misfortune; I felt so unwanted,
I pleaded, I begged, all to share thoughts I could,
My misfortune; I neglected the hurt you had planted.
I was stupid, I was blind, I was unable to read your mind,
My misfortune; I still messaged you.
I learnt my lesson, I felt the world, I now think I know it,
Dont worry, you shall never feel so lacerated.
I promise, I swear, I shall never speak to you again,
For I deserved it all to have fallen for you.
I was silly, I was weird, and I was dumb to think --
How could I been the one you cherished?
But may you answer if you could -- how could someone be so indecisively cruel?
A cold-heart with its own blood, uncaring with bleeding hearts
I question if you care truly for my well being,
Or if it is just an illusion to fill temporary satisfaction.
...All because a heart isn't broken in two equal parts.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, even though this is a cliché topic, I feel that you have written it in an original enough way for my liking (I love originality). It is difficult to write on overused topics in an original way, yet still portray the emotions that you want to portray, and you have done this well.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

L2 - I would place a semi-colon after 'my misfortune' (and do the same for L4, 6, 8 & 10)
L4 - 'feels' should be 'felt'
L6 - 'feel' should be 'felt'
L7 - I would personally change 'should' to 'could'
L10 - I would add 'you' after 'messaged'
L11 - 'feel' should be 'felt'
L14 - 'deserve' should either be 'deserved' or 'to fall' should be 'to have fallen'
L17 - the repetition of 'could' is jarring within this line.
L17 - you need a question mark after 'cruel'
L18 - 'cold-heart' should be 'cold heart'
L18 - 'blue blood' normally means that someone is nobility (example, Prince William has blue-blood running through his veins)
L18 - I would change 'whose bleeding hearts' with a bleeding heart'

Your punctuation of this is good, which I like.

You do have some rhyme, but it is not distracting, especially since you break from it at the end, you ran the risk of alienating the rhyming section and making it jerk against the non-rhyming, but you have a rhythm that works with and without the rhyme.

Overall:
Just watch your tenses and plurals.

:star::star::star::star::star-empty:
Jo
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student Artist
Thank you so much for your lovely compliments and critiquing - and on another note, haha, I have always tried to be original regardless of over used topics :p lol
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012   Writer
Originality is a great thing :)
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Student Artist
Just like you ;) ^-^
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012   Writer
:blush:
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Student Artist
Haha!
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:iconsuchithrark:
SuchithraRk Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Student Writer
very well written
Cheers!
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Student Artist
Thank You ..
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:iconmikadiva:
MikaDiva Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Student General Artist
Excellent! :D
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Student Artist
Thanks...
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