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Literature Text
I loved, I cared, I gave you all that I could,
My misfortune; I couldn't be all that you wanted.
I hoped, I wished, and I thought you understood,
My misfortune; my heart felt taunted.
I wondered, I asked, and I prayed for your own good.
My misfortune; I felt so unwanted,
I pleaded, I begged, all to share thoughts I could,
My misfortune; I neglected the hurt you had planted.
I was stupid, I was blind, I was unable to read your mind,
My misfortune; I still messaged you.
I learnt my lesson, I felt the world, I now think I know it,
Dont worry, you shall never feel so lacerated.
I promise, I swear, I shall never speak to you again,
For I deserved it all to have fallen for you.
I was silly, I was weird, and I was dumb to think --
How could I been the one you cherished?
But may you answer if you could -- how could someone be so indecisively cruel?
A cold-heart with its own blood, uncaring with bleeding hearts
I question if you care truly for my well being,
Or if it is just an illusion to fill temporary satisfaction.
My misfortune; I couldn't be all that you wanted.
I hoped, I wished, and I thought you understood,
My misfortune; my heart felt taunted.
I wondered, I asked, and I prayed for your own good.
My misfortune; I felt so unwanted,
I pleaded, I begged, all to share thoughts I could,
My misfortune; I neglected the hurt you had planted.
I was stupid, I was blind, I was unable to read your mind,
My misfortune; I still messaged you.
I learnt my lesson, I felt the world, I now think I know it,
Dont worry, you shall never feel so lacerated.
I promise, I swear, I shall never speak to you again,
For I deserved it all to have fallen for you.
I was silly, I was weird, and I was dumb to think --
How could I been the one you cherished?
But may you answer if you could -- how could someone be so indecisively cruel?
A cold-heart with its own blood, uncaring with bleeding hearts
I question if you care truly for my well being,
Or if it is just an illusion to fill temporary satisfaction.
Literature
The Traitorous Greybacks
The Traitorous Greybacks:
Shunned amongst the Lycan tribes;
The great betrayers of faith.
We bear the mark of our sinful past
This ancient scar of hate.
We wear it proudly upon our backs
The fur that's ashen grey.
The sign that we have sold our kin
To live another day...
We werewolves live as tyrant beings;
Immortal as we please...
But we alone are forced to bear
This fetid filthy disease.
It eats away at flesh and bone
Until all that's left is sludge.
Lost alone in horrid pain;
Through empty days we trudge.
But we have learnt a secret way
To stop our bitter end...
As long as we can steal a pup
From our blessed neighbour's
Literature
Bringer of the Night
Bringer of the Night:
Born from the kiss of a goddess
And drenched in the cauldron of lies.
He emerged as a being of entropy
Bearing the mark of flies...
His wings were made from crow-like feathers
Black as the dust of the night.
His fangs were laden with horrid infection
Made from the stone of blight.
A single bite, was poison enough
And soon they began to change...
The children loved by the lady in white
Soon they became deranged.
Powerful beings of might and magic
They soared through the moonlit sky!
They flew amongst the twinkling stars
But their gift was a burning lie...
Falling to the ground like choking insects
Crawli
Literature
Who am I?
"I am me.."
Who ever that may be.
Made by a world,
Not easily understood.
I am what I am.
Of race ethnicity or a sexuality.
A loner, an outcast, or unappealing you see.
Popular and attractive or just plain carefree.
I think what I want.
Not what they tell me.
With their tubes and their lies and their tricks
To try and bend me.
I am who I am.
But t
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...All because a heart isn't broken in two equal parts.
© 2012 - 2024 littlenikita
Comments50
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I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
Firstly, even though this is a cliché topic, I feel that you have written it in an original enough way for my liking (I love originality). It is difficult to write on overused topics in an original way, yet still portray the emotions that you want to portray, and you have done this well.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza
L = Line
L2 - I would place a semi-colon after 'my misfortune' (and do the same for L4, 6, 8 & 10)
L4 - 'feels' should be 'felt'
L6 - 'feel' should be 'felt'
L7 - I would personally change 'should' to 'could'
L10 - I would add 'you' after 'messaged'
L11 - 'feel' should be 'felt'
L14 - 'deserve' should either be 'deserved' or 'to fall' should be 'to have fallen'
L17 - the repetition of 'could' is jarring within this line.
L17 - you need a question mark after 'cruel'
L18 - 'cold-heart' should be 'cold heart'
L18 - 'blue blood' normally means that someone is nobility (example, Prince William has blue-blood running through his veins)
L18 - I would change 'whose bleeding hearts' with a bleeding heart'
Your punctuation of this is good, which I like.
You do have some rhyme, but it is not distracting, especially since you break from it at the end, you ran the risk of alienating the rhyming section and making it jerk against the non-rhyming, but you have a rhythm that works with and without the rhyme.
Overall:
Just watch your tenses and plurals.
Jo
Firstly, even though this is a cliché topic, I feel that you have written it in an original enough way for my liking (I love originality). It is difficult to write on overused topics in an original way, yet still portray the emotions that you want to portray, and you have done this well.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza L = LineL2 - I would place a semi-colon after 'my misfortune' (and do the same for L4, 6, 8 & 10)
L4 - 'feels' should be 'felt'
L6 - 'feel' should be 'felt'
L7 - I would personally change 'should' to 'could'
L10 - I would add 'you' after 'messaged'
L11 - 'feel' should be 'felt'
L14 - 'deserve' should either be 'deserved' or 'to fall' should be 'to have fallen'
L17 - the repetition of 'could' is jarring within this line.
L17 - you need a question mark after 'cruel'
L18 - 'cold-heart' should be 'cold heart'
L18 - 'blue blood' normally means that someone is nobility (example, Prince William has blue-blood running through his veins)
L18 - I would change 'whose bleeding hearts' with a bleeding heart'
Your punctuation of this is good, which I like.
You do have some rhyme, but it is not distracting, especially since you break from it at the end, you ran the risk of alienating the rhyming section and making it jerk against the non-rhyming, but you have a rhythm that works with and without the rhyme.
Overall:
Just watch your tenses and plurals.
Jo