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Literature by NekoWolf95

Poems by TeslaRoxx


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Submitted on
April 29, 2012
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I'd say you have a flawless mind at its finest,
But then I remember you don't have a heart in the slightest.
Those sleepless nights and morning excitement,
With them combined were our lovely messages sent.
You stole my heart and took my breath away,
Upon thinking of us together is when my mind would sway.
I gave you me, my soul, my heart, and my happiness; you had it all in your hands,
And then the tables turned, time changed; and it all became a gamble to have it all.
The messages stopped the way they were,
Within days, I found myself fragile, broken, upon the concrete floor.
I don't blame you, I don't blame you, I don't blame you,
Neither do I regret the moments spent together.
I wish you had told me the truth so that I knew,
But you hid it all; you played my heart ...
Without those intentions, and hurt my soul.
And now, I am stuck while the world is too busy in its own hole.
Shmurrr ... xD
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hey there, my name’s Ed. I’m from #GrammarNaziCritiques so I’ll be giving you some feedback on your work. Sorry it’s taken a while to reach you!

I’m not too sure about this poem. I can see potential, but there are quite a few things that I think could be improved.

What part of this do you see as horror? The only part I really see as that is the ‘broken upon the floor’ section, but even that could be metaphorically. As in, a broken heart, and lost feelings, rather than actually being killed. (If I’ve understood correctly where you think horror is…)

The rhymes are very forced, even though they’re sometimes only half rhymes. There are a lot of extraneous words that clog up the rhythm. Even in the first line the “in it’s finest” seems added just for the sake of the rhyme. In my opinion anyway, I wouldn’t try and focus on the rhyme too strongly. Focus more on concrete, creative imagery that conveys the emotions of the piece. I think you’ve got them there… they just need to be refined more

These are the syllables for each line. There doesn’t seem to be any sort of pattern or structure. Maybe apart from the two longest lines… but even then, they’re so long that it’s really impossible to get that beat across whilst reading:
11, 15, 10, 12/13, 10, 15, 20, 20, 9, 17, 12, 13, 12, 8, 10, 16
In order to have a nice flow, you need to make sure there’s a structure. You can then play with the readers’ anticipation of the structure and find ways to keep them interested.

I'd say you have a flawless mind at its finest,
You had a flawless mind
But then I remember you don't have a heart in the slightest.
(quite a lot of words here, and could be cut down. Every word in a poem has to have a meaning and a purpose. ‘Have’, ‘in the’ don’t really add anything in terms of poetic language).
Those sleepless nights and morning excitement,
(One of the best lines, I think. It’s nicely balanced.)
With them combined were our lovely messages sent.
(I’m not too sure what this means. (S)He stayed up to write letters to the other one?)
You stole my heart and took my breath away,
(Platitude, and clichéd. If you want this sentiment, at least rephrase the phrases. Could her heart be ‘buried’ (if she died) for example? For a sort of poetic link between being killed by first sight love?)
Upon thinking of us together is when my mind would sway.
(Not imaginative at all. That said, you’ve got a little alliteration. Good. )
I gave you me, my soul, my heart, and my happiness; you had it all in your hands,
(Broken the rule of three, by listing four things that were given. Three is much more powerful than dragging it to four.)
And then the tables turned, time changed; and it all became a gamble to have it all.
(Again, some good alliteration. Not sure about gambling, seeing as it isn’t a major theme in the piece. Try and stick to images from the same sematic field.)
The messages stopped the way they were,
(Good link back to earlier, but I’m still not sure on meaning)
Within days, I found myself fragile, broken, upon the concrete floor.
(I don’t think ‘upon the concrete floor’ is needed at all. Why does it matter where she was broken? It’s more important to just know that she was!)
I don't blame you, I don't blame you, I don't blame you,
(I’d be tempted to have these on three lines rather than one. Repetition is good, but is strengthened by challenging the repetition. How could you make it different? Putting italicized emphasis on different words in the phrase? Like:
I don’t blame you
I don’t blame you
I don’t blame you
What effect does that have? Does it add more a voice to the narrator?)
Neither do I regret the moments spent together.
(Again, a bit of platitude)
I wish you had told me the truth so that I knew,
(A good opportunity to use some enjambment)
But you hid it all; you played my heart ...
(Good idea to change some of the punctuation used. You can do this more with the rest of the poem)
Without those intentions, and hurt my soul.
(Not sure what this means. I might be reading it incorrectly)
And now, I am stuck while the world is too busy in its own hole.
(Not a very impressive last line. There’s no big finish or climax. It just sort of fades into a gobble of words.)

I think you’ve got the starts of a poem here, but you have yet to apply any sense of colour to the piece. I’d suggest, for this poem, scrap the rhymes. They detract too much from what you’re trying to say. Focus on finding the beauty (or the grimness) in the reality of the situation. Play with assonance. Play with short sentences. Be creative with language and try not to get bogged down with the explanation of the meaning. If you’re clear and concise with your words, we’ll understand just fine.

Let me know if you’ve got any questions. =D
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:iconprezmelsa:
prezmelsa Featured By Owner May 27, 2012  Hobbyist
outta the couple of poems i read of yours. shit, this has gotta be my favourite :) i totally feel the rawness of your emotions and you conveyed them brilliantly!!
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:iconprincesssudi:
princesssudi Featured By Owner May 18, 2012  Professional Writer
Beautiful and filled with bittersweet emotions.
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Student Artist
Yeah, ... nostalgia, that is what it does to a human.
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:iconxxforbidden-lovexx:
XxForbidden-LoveXx Featured By Owner May 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is amazing. I love it! I'd write a critique... but I'm not very good at them :P
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner May 2, 2012  Student Artist
OH CRAP D: I wasn't suppose to do that T_T ... my bad >.> And thanks <3
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