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She smiles, she laughs, she paints away,
On the tips of her happiness is how goes the day.
She prays, she hopes, she dreams legit,
To forget the regrets that she once commit.
She is, she was, an angelic child,
Now addicted to pain is how gone wild.
She tries, she pretends, to again be so happy,
Such a shame her life has turned so scrappy.
She tries, she wishes to again be so her,
A prince shall come to make her feel so pure.
Behind that beautiful, suave smile lays a horrifying scream.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, I really like your title. It is very catchy.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line


Grammar:
L3 - legit should be legitimately (I know it's a shortened version, but it's not good style to use colloquial language, especially if it's just for one line)
L4 - commit should be committed
L6 - is how should perhaps be she's now

Rhyme:
You have some good ideas behind the rhyme here, but some of it is forced rhyme (where you change the grammar of the sentence to place the word that rhymes at the end, as in L2, which should be 'on the tips of her happiness is how the day goes'). This forced rhyme can become irritating to readers who are grammar-freaks like me, or who just know more about rhyme than the average person.

Other:
You have punctuated this piece very well, which aids the flow and rhythm.

I don't like how she can't seem to overcome her regrets without the help of the prince. I would have liked it more had she fought for herself and been a bit stronger within herself. There is the 'wanting' to be strong and forget the regrets, and that is brought across quite nicely, but the actual strength she may possess is wiped out by the need of a saving prince.

:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty:
Jo
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Student Artist
Thank You so much for critiquing! ... do you think it would take away from the poem if I were to change the words? (i. e. 'commit' to 'committed' and ...etc) Lastly, your last paragraph kind of, sort of, just a weeny bit motivated me to write another 'updated' version of this .. :$ thank you ~ ^-^
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Never a problem.
It would change the poem to change the word, because then you would have to change your entire rhyme scheme for those two lines.
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student Artist
Would you recommend it though?
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
If it was my poem, I would have found a way to change it during the writing, because grammar is in the way I think (most of the time).
I think there will be some readers who will be bothered by it, and some who won't - some are Grammar Nazi's like me, others aren't.
I can't think of anything that rhymes with 'committed' and all I could come up with for a change was
"She prays, she hopes, she dreams ‘till dawn,
To forget the regrets that she once performed."
- but that removes the 'legit' which makes the point a little bit less real.
"She prays, she hopes, she dreams for real,
To forget the regrets she once concealed"
- but that talks more about self-harm or illicit affairs than general regrets.

So all in all, unless you want to change it completely, I would say leave it as it is. There will be some people with whom it will grate on a nerve, and they will either stop reading or mention it to you, and there will be others that don't mind - and I think on DA the 'don't mind' category of people may be the larger.
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student Artist
Thank You -- I think I will leave it as is but definitely keep your advice in mind when writing other poems in the near future.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That's all we ask for really :)
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Student Artist
ok :D
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:iconranbassi:
ranbassi Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
What regrets did "she once commit"? (you don't need to answer this).. I believe there is no point in having regrets and guilt over anything. My feeling is that this poem is about a person who feels guilt about something and she hopes for a guy to come and make her happy. This reminds me of a friend of mine. She feels guilty because she sometimes gets angry and then her boyfriend use it against her to make her feel guilty. Her boyfriend doesn't angry back at her, he just makes her feel really guilty. I've tried to explain to her what nasty trick her boyfriend is playing against but she's only 19 so doesn't see objectively. Because she feels guilty she doesn't leave him because she feels she owes her boyfriend a debt. Guilt is a form of slavery, don't let anyone or any ideology/religion make you feel guilty for being a human being.. because every human being is imperfect and those who pretend not too be are hypocrites and liars.
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Student Artist
... Uhm. Did you enjoy the poem? LOL. I am so confused. =\
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:iconranbassi:
ranbassi Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
Yeah I did.. it probably isn't visible in your stream, but I had left another message in reply to my original saying that I liked it. ^^
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Student Artist
Awh, thanks - and go ahead! You can add it to that group, it will be an honor. And I guess I wouldn't say regrets but in a way just ... uhm sorrow, I think is a better word. (: Thank You!
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:iconranbassi:
ranbassi Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
By the way, I'd really love to add this too the #artPUNJAB group gallery. Its a good poem.
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Student Artist
Sorry, I just saw this right now hence I replied so late in your previous comment :$
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:iconlamb-a-r-t:
Lamb-a-r-t Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012  Professional
Hi kiddo!

Very nice poem you have here keep up the good work! but I must request you stop linking me these in my profile I will look at your poems in my own time! x
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012  Student Artist
... but I didnt link you though ... must been someone else? o_O
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:iconjunjouluvxd:
JunJouLuvXD Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012
It's beautiful, sad, and true!
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Student Artist
ThankYou :) <3
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:iconzazzabell:
Zazzabell Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
This is very well said, very pretty and true. Keep screaming! because the words that do make it out turn into beautiful poetry.
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012  Student Artist
ThankYou. Haha. Whenever I feel like screaming, I pick up my pen and write away.
It makes me feel less frustrated and stressed about life and such. Thank You for your kind words as well as your watch. <3. It greatly means a lot to me -- hope you are having a good day or night wherever you are, m'dear :)
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:iconburningmarshmallows:
burningmarshmallows Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Student Writer
This has a nice rhyme scheme to it. It kind of rocks along.
However, the second to last line is unclear. I think I understand what you're trying to say in this line, it just isn't constructed in a way that makes complete sense.
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Student Artist
... It just what its suppose to be - thanks though.
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:iconseralily:
Seralily Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
<3 I love this. O: your username is so epic~!
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Student Artist
LOL Is that a compliment? xD Hahaha, thanks! <3
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:iconseralily:
Seralily Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
^-^ ya lol~ Your welcome~!! :D
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Student Artist
ThankYou for the fav as well as the watch!
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:iconseralily:
Seralily Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
^_^ your welcome~!! :hug:
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:iconcuddleslut17:
CuddleSlut17 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Nice piece. As a writer myself I absolutely love how it flows so well. Good job.
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Student Artist
Thank You.
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:iconcuddleslut17:
CuddleSlut17 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Anytime :)
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:iconisasongs:
isasongs Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is a very nice piece ;)
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Student Artist
Thank You --
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:iconisasongs:
isasongs Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No problem
please feel free to check out some of my stuff as well.
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:iconxxuracuttiepiexx:
xxuracuttiepiexx Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012
=/ i know how you feel. i don't really know what to say to it....
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2012  Student Artist
... Its okay. No one can exactly help me anyway.
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:iconxxuracuttiepiexx:
xxuracuttiepiexx Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
if you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me
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:iconlittlenikita:
littlenikita Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012  Student Artist
LOL ThankYou =P
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:iconxxuracuttiepiexx:
xxuracuttiepiexx Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
=)
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Submitted on
June 18, 2012
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